Category: Getting Help

The Giver: Moving Beyond a World without Emotion and Color

9/12/2014

The world was without any deep emotion and bland without color. Earlier this week, Becky and I along with my sister and brother-in-law watched the movie The Giver at a local theater.   We went at Becky’s urging as she enjoyed the book of the same name by Lois Lowry.

The plot is about a community that is controlled by “the elders” who seek a utopian society by eliminating all pain and strife through making everyone live and function the same. The movie is in black and white. The elders select an eleven-year-old Jonas, the main character, to be the one “receiver of memory.”   His role is to receive vicariously recollections of the pre-utopian experiences as passed down from the character of “the giver.” The elders perpetuated the role so they have the benefit of this wisdom to make their collective decisions. When Jonas is vicariously allowed to experience true happiness and love, the movie screen explodes into color, kind of like what Dorothy’s experience in The Wizard of Oz. Jonas then yearns that he and his family and friends escape the controlled “utopian” environment so they can experience this higher level of living—even if it means occasionally feeling pain, too.

The movie was extremely moving to me. It portrayed something similar to my before-and-after of being treated for chronic depression, generalized anxiety, and low self-esteem. My life before was like being on a constant treadmill—just trying to keep up with everyone’s expectations and completing all of life’s many tasks. There was little joy in it all. In my early years, I was taught to suppress my feelings. This along with a series of painful experiences led me to bury deep inside most of what I felt. It was “emotional constipation” as one of my cousins describes it. Further, I was always trying to prove to everyone—and myself—that I was worthwhile through trying to be constantly productive. But through psychotherapy, I learned to get in touch with myself, to feel, and to enjoy life.

In my book, Rising Above Fog, I liken this before-and-after experience to hiking up a mountain out of the fog of a winter temperature inversion in the Salt Lake Valley.   The Giver movie portrayal may be even better.

Last week I was speaking with a friend about what each of us would consider the best times of his life. He had just taken his son to college in another state and he reminisced about how great his own college years were. I told him that my life has become so much richer and more fulfilling since I got help that I’d probably never consider times before as highlights.

A few months ago, one of my sisters shared with me a newspaper article reporting on a speech on mental health at Brigham Young University[i]. Rebecca H. Jackson stated that those suffering from depression and other forms of mental illness often feel disconnect from God and His love. While I’ve always had the practice of praying and have felt connected to God, I struggled to feel His love until after getting help. Now I often “feast upon his love[ii],” as one of my favorite scriptures suggests.

This higher way of living and feeling is very delicious to me. Having lived a large part of my life without it, I often ponder on the contrast the two. And like Jonas, I seek to help others who are stuck in a less attractive place because of mental illness. As I was for years, they may be unaware of their situation. My mantra is to help others live more satisfying and fruitful lives by getting help for mental health challenges.

I join Jonas, the fictional character in the movie The Giver, in exclaiming that moving beyond a world without emotion and color is truly exhilarating!

[i] Deseret News, May 3, 2014, B1

[ii] Jacob 3:2

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Bouldering our Problems--Facing Things Head-on

2/1/2013

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My wife, Becky, and I moved to St. George, Utah from the Salt Lake Valley in December. We love it here. The warm people and the warmer weather are great! We love the natural scenic beauty, too. I love to hike, and I’ve found a trail about a half-mile from our home here in the Tonaquint area. The trail takes me through a small valley surrounded by picturesque sandstone cliffs. There are many large boulders—many about fifteen feet in diameter—on the canyon floor.

A few weeks ago in returning to my car from a hike, I noticed two men just getting out of their vehicle and preparing their equipment to apparently hike. They were putting on their backs large rectangular shaped backpacks—something I’d never witnessed before. I asked them about this strange-looking equipment. They were crash pads, they told me. They were into the sport of bouldering—scaling to the top of the big boulders. Instead of using ropes and harnessed like rock climbers, they simply place a large soft pad below them. The pads are about three feet by six feet by six inches thick and can be folded into thirds to create large but relatively light backpacks with arm loops attached to one surface.

The next day on another hike into the area with visiting family, we bumped into a group of young men performing bouldering. We watched one of them put on his special bouldering shoes and easily scale a boulder that was straight-up—with his crash pad below, of course. He found small nooks in the rock for his hands and feet that we hadn’t noticed before. It was amazing! We joked with him that we wanted to examine his hand to see if he had the barbed hairs that Spiderman grew on his fingertips in the movies.

I did a little research on bouldering—not because I want to do the sport myself, but because I find it intriguing and enjoyable to watch. Mountain hiking (not technical climbing!) offers me enough adventure and danger from heights for my tastes.

The small valley with many boulders I hike through is called Moe’s Valley by bouldering enthusiasts. Apparently it is quite famous for its many good boulders. Its name is a knockoff of Joe’s Valley, another great bouldering site that’s near Orangeville in central Utah.

Bouldering has its own jargon. The glossary that I found on the Internet describes multiple techniques to successfully climb up a problem. They include,” barndooring” that means allowing one side of the body to swing like a door to another place, and “flagging,” that means dangling a leg to improve balance. The intended path up a boulder is called a “problem.” A single large boulder may have several challenging “problems.”

My research has caused me to think about the techniques I’ve used in scaling my problems with mental illness. Unlike bouldering enthusiasts, I haven’t chosen my “problems,” and they haven’t been fun to deal with. It’s been hard, frustrating, and even gut wrenching. It’s taken years to get to a better place, and I’m still climbing upward. As I write this piece, I notice that my forearms and hands are tight from the general anxiety disorder that I continue to experience—though my condition is much better now than it used to be.

My techniques have included receiving psychotherapy from skilled and caring mental health professionals, taking psychotropic drugs prescribed by my doctor, talking things through with supportive family members and close friends, attending NAMI classes, writing (Wow!—I’m using this technique right now! Thanks for helping to motivate me to do this, dear reader!), and seeking help from God through prayer.

That recent day when we watched the young man with the bouldering shoes and crash pad “solve” the “problem,” he posed for us in a Rocky Balboa victory stance on top of the boulder. We could feel his triumph and we spontaneously applauded him. I feel this same kind of triumph when I ponder on my victories with mental health challenges. People don’t applaud me, but this doesn’t matter. Getting to a better plateau of happiness and peace makes all the strain, toil, and effort worth it!

There are other aspects of my triumph that go way above my own positive feelings and happiness. My progress has positively impacted other people, also—especially my family members. My dear wife and children tell me I’m a better husband and father for them. Further, the parents of the young men for whom I served as Scoutmaster for several years told me I had a positive influence on their son’s lives. I’ve received feedback that my book and my presentations have had major life-changing impacts on some. Hopefully, I inadvertently hurt others less than I used to. I’m in a better position to understand and do God’s will—to fulfill my mission, my purpose while on this earth.

I do not glory in myself about these things. Rather, I feel thankful to God, to my family, and to others around me that I had the opportunity and the support to climb big boulders. And there are more ahead.

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Lifting Depressed Organizations

1/8/2013

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My no-nonsense boss, the company’s CFO, was unusually gleeful in our weekly finance management meeting. He announced a two-day all-company management meeting to address internal people relationships issues. He said that the meeting facilitators were from an organization that some considered a cult. Our human resources department had engaged them at the company president’s request. He said he’d never before participated in this kind of thing. How fascinating and different from the normal work routine! All 200 or so in management would attend including those who would fly in from around the country to the Midwestern city of our headquarters. He was so tickled, in fact, that he didn’t even grumble about the large extra expenses for airfare, hotels, and time-off from regular duties in our upstart company.

I knew the company had big people problems. Everyone did. If organizations had personality and mood profiles like people—and I would argue that they do—I would describe our company as having chronic major depression. Something did need to be done for our company to be successful in the long run. And while the president was behind this meeting, everyone—except him—seemed to know that the bottom-line problem was the president himself. He was one of the most un-people-persons I’ve ever known.

He must have been aware of this—at least at some level. People close to him must have told him because at one time he held a series of breakfast meetings to reach out to people with three or four headquarter employees at a time. In my meeting with him, he spoke about the great progress of his company. I don’t recall anyone else saying a word. He asked no questions. He did all the talking.

Once when I passed him in a hallway and said hello, he said nothing, turned his head up and away from me and kind of smirked. I don’t think he did this on purpose. I think he lacked awareness of how his interactions affected others.

Another thing he did was to abruptly fire people—including his key vice presidents. They were directed to leave the building immediately. This seemed to happen when things weren’t going well for him with the company owners. In my mind, he gave the phrase “thrown under the bus” a whole new meaning. I heard an engineer coworker once comment at the water cooler that when there were lions around, the president would throw out the bodies of employees ahead of him.

The time for the big two-day meeting came. It was held in a large basement conference room without windows (probably not a good choice for a meeting like this) in a hotel near our office building. Incidentally, this hotel is where former NFL football star OJ Simpson stayed the night after he fled on a plane from Los Angeles after his wife had been brutally murdered. We employees called the hotel “The OJ Hotel.”

The meeting was okay—not too weird. It felt like kind of a sensitivity training session. We were asked to be very open and share our thoughts and feelings.

While we met, I couldn’t help thinking that there was a big elephant in the room: It was the president’s interpersonal skills and his management tactics. The key problem was that the president didn’t care about and respect other people. In turn, people didn’t respect and care much for him. The emperor wore no clothes.

Please picture this. All company managers at a chronically depressed company held a sensitivity training session led by a cult organization in the “OJ Hotel.” There was a big elephant in the room, and the president wore no clothes. As is said, sometimes fact is stranger than fiction!

But seriously, I don’t think the meeting did much good. Things continued working in pretty much the same way, and the president continued in his old ways. Several months later, I was abruptly terminated and asked to leave the building immediately. The reasons for my termination given by my boss were not the real reasons, I don’t believe. At the time the president was taking heat from the owners and others about some financial projections that the president and I had prepared together. I understand that later, the company and all its operations were sold and the management team was dissolved.

In my mind, I don’t blame the president for what happened to the company or to me. I think he did the best he could at leading the company given the skills and values he possessed at the time. If blame were to be assigned, perhaps it would be with the company ownership who decided to hire him. Even there, however, they did the best they could in their hiring methods.

Even more importantly though, I am sympathetic to his situation. My subordinates in some of my past positions could write pieces like this one on my past gross inadequacies in leadership—and they’d probably be right! This is painful for me to ponder. It’s easier for me to write about someone else’s flaws!

As I look back, the roots of my issues were the chronic clinical depression and anxiety from which I suffered for years. I was unaware of the impact they had on how I led other people. I was focused inward —self-absorbed—and I was insensitive to others. At the prompting of my dear wife, I got help even though I didn’t see the need when I first began. I participated in psychotherapy. I did a lot of work on understanding myself, my suppressed emotions, and painful unresolved memories of my childhood. I now take an antidepressant. My wife and children, who know me best, tell me my interpersonal skills have improved significantly. I like to think that I’d be a better boss although I don’t supervise anyone right now. I’m much happier and life is more fulfilling.

I have no way of knowing the mental health history of the president of my old company. Nevertheless, I suspect he too had issues. Perhaps like me he was unaware of them. I hope he has recognized these issues and has received help to get to a better place.

The leadership lesson here is that people’s interrelationships do have a significant impact on the success of their organizations—and the pattern is almost always set at the top. Mentally healthy leaders lead healthy organizations. Unhealthy people lead depressed organizations.

In his landmark business leadership book Good to Great, Jim Collins addressed the critical impact of top leaders in organizations. He described traits of chief executives of companies he identified as “great”: “No airs of self-importance,” “lack of pretense,” “ambition is first and foremost for the institution, not themselves,” “willful, humble, and fearless,” “they’d talk about the company and the contributions of other executives…but deflect discussion about their own contributions,” and “never wanted to become larger-than-life heroes.” To me, these sound like outward-looking, mentally healthy people who are at-ease with themselves.

There is no easy fix for leaders who desire to improve, to take-on these traits. These are attributes that come naturally from deep within a healthy being. Significant improvement comes from first resolving personal mental health issues. Practicing nice techniques learned in the classroom are just window dressing. Real change in core attributes takes recognition, help from professionals and others, and a lot of time and effort. There are no shortcuts.

Experts say that 25 percent of the population suffers from mental illness that should be treated and of those, 40 percent go untreated. I speculate that these percentages are greater among highly-driven people in management.

In my experience, this journey of achieving awareness, seeking help, and working to recovery are gut-wrenching. Mental illness stigmas, finding the right fit of mental health professionals, discouragement, and other obstacles are tough. But, it’s worth it.

Most of my career has been spent as a bottom-line oriented CPA. I spent over 25 years with “Big Four” international accounting firms and in the financial management of multinational large enterprises. But now I focus on the touchy-feeling matters of people relationships in the workplace and the mental health of organizations. I’ve come to believe that these matters have a bigger impact on the long-term success of organizations than finances, strategic plans, and metrics. (Gasp! Did a hard-nosed, numbers-driven CPA really say that?)

So what is the most important thing a leader can do if his or her organization is struggling with interpersonal relationship issues? Consider looking inside yourself first. Ask the people with whom you are closest and whom you trust if there are personal issues you should address. Listen very carefully. Then, if they so suggest, get help.

This likely will do more than holding an all-management meeting led by a questionable organization in a hotel with a history.

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So, Why Don't People Just Get Help?

11/8/2011

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“I would never allow one of my children to be treated for a mental illness issue because they’d carry the stigma the rest of their life.” This mother of several children also recently told me she knew of someone who had a bad experience with a therapist.

Comments like these truly frustrate me. They reflect attitudes that feel so ignorant and misguided even though I sense they’re widespread.

I responded to this woman by telling her of the great benefits in my own family from mental health therapy, but my response was inadequate.   I’m still frustrated. So here I go venting to you, my dear blog readers—though I sense I’m preaching to the choir.

First:   Yes, strong stigmas persist related to mental illness. Things are slowing improving, but not fast enough. It’s unfortunate, but these are the current realities. Nevertheless, a child seeking treatment can be taught that there is no more shame in receiving such remedies than for any other ailments. An enlightened mother or father can help mitigate general societal stigma issues so there’s no need for a negative impact on the child’s self-esteem. Usually it will be the other way around: treatment will improve self-esteem.

Second: No one need know other than the individual treated—and his or her parents, if a child is minor. Even as an adult I received treatment for years without anyone but my wife and therapists knowing. My employers definitely didn’t know, as I didn’t want to risk career limitations imposed by unenlightened supervisors. I worked to ensure there were no negative ramifications from stigmas, and it worked. More recently now that I’m self-employed, I’ve let the whole world know of my struggles. That’s been cathartic.

I few weeks ago I witnessed an example of how prejudice and misinformation about mental illness is perpetuated through the mass media. As I was doing some errands in my car I flipped through a few radio channels. I listened for just a few minutes to a talk show hosts. He was trying to make a point about how boneheaded a politician from another political party had been. To add an exclamation point to his analysis, he wanted to add some personal insult. I could almost hear the gears turning in his head of what he would say. After a short pause he said, so and so (can’t remember the politician’s name) “is mentally ill.” Wow, I thought to myself, for someone who frequently brags about how he boldly proclaims the truth, he sure doesn’t is showing his ignorance and lack of education.   Unfortunately, these kinds of statements are heard all too frequently.

Third: Since when did people stop seeking help because of a bad experience with one professional. So would they not seek treatment for a broken leg if they’d had an unfortunate encounter with a medical provider sometime in their past? Of course not! That would be silly.

Over my twenty years of receiving psychotherapy, I visited with several professionals. There were multiple reasons for changes included that my family moved states a few times for my work. Another reasons was that I didn’t “click” with at all with a few of the therapists I met with. Two or three made me downright angry. But why would I let that stop me? I knew I wanted to get to a better place, so I persisted. And boy has my perseverance paid off!

I was recently chatting with a good friend in his 50s. He’s very bright and approachable.   His kindness and quick wit make everyone want to be around him. He told me about his experiences with mental illness. Several years ago someone commented to him that he likely had an attention deficit disorder. He thought that was crazy, because he knew he wasn’t “crazy.” When his wife concurred with the ADD observation, he was shocked. She said she had not told him before because the condition hadn’t at all bothered her.

He read a book about ADD, which led him to visit a professional, who confirmed that my friend indeed had ADD. He was also diagnosed as being clinically depressed. More shock for my friend!   But he was wise enough to do something about these findings. It took him a while to get the right medications and counseling. However, he’s now a much happier man and is thrilled that life is now much sweeter and more rewarding. He overcame his own prejudices on mental illness. By doing so, he got to a much better place. Now, he feels comfortable enough to share his journey with others. I hope everyone listens.

How I wish everyone in the world could right now better understand mental illness for what it is! Why can’t everyone have epiphanies about it? It would sure help a lot of people get to a better place. I’d be a lot less frustrated about it all, too.

OK. I got it off my chest. I feel better now. Thank you for listening.

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Getting Help for Mental Illness Like We Do for Physical Diseases

5/26/2011

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When we opened our apartment front door, she marched right into our kitchen and started looking through our cabinets! That’s what the middle-aged nurse from the county health department did when she visited our home. She was looking for partly filled prescription medication bottles that would give evidence that I had been taking my pills. I was considered a public health hazard with the tuberculosis that had set-in to my right lung lobe. I had been diagnosed a few months before when I saw my doctor for a persistent cough. Apparently I was infected a few years before when I was a missionary in Puerto Rico. The disease had lay dormant for a few years, and then flared up.

Everyone told me they hoped I would heal soon. It wasn’t just the county health department: my wife and children, my parents, my sisters and brother, my neighbors and friends, and even my former employer. The health department had required that about 30 people from my previous work department to be tested for TB. Some of them let me know that they were not happy about that. It seemed like no one was shy about discussing my disease with me.

The person who wanted a quick recovery the very most was…me! I didn’t like the idea of being a public health risk. Further, almost all of my regular daily activities were ordered to cease by my doctor. I couldn’t attend college. I couldn’t work, I couldn’t play basketball or tennis, and I couldn’t hike. I had to stay home and rest. Other than feeling tired, there were no other symptoms once the cough went away after I was on the medication for just a few weeks. I had to stay in our small apartment and basically do nothing. It was like being a criminal under house arrest.

After three or four months, the medications did work and I was considered cured. Other than having to explain the small dime-sized scar left in my right lung whenever a chest X-ray was taken, it was like I had never had the dreaded disease.

I explain all of this because when I consider how the subject of mental illnesses is treated by many people, the sentiments and reactions are so different from those of a physical ailment such as TB. Rather than focusing in on the condition and offering help and support for a remedy, mental illness is treated like it’s a subject to be ignored. It’s a taboo topic and discussion is forbidden. Those plagued by it are viewed as less worthy of love and attention.

This all is such a tragedy.

I believe that mental illnesses should be viewed and treated a lot more like physical ailments. When someone has TB or just the flu, the condition isn’t ignored and allowed to fester with neglect. Treatment is actively administered, even if all that is needed is rest and drinking plenty of fluids. Most people don’t look down condescendingly at a person who gets TB or the flu. Rather, they offer their sympathy and support.

Why must it be so different with those who suffer from mental illnesses?

Mental illnesses are not rare, unusual things. Studies show that few families in the United States are unaffected by mental illness. Epidemiology experts estimate that one in five suffers from a mental illness, and of those, less than 40% receive stable treatment.

People afflicted with mental illnesses often feel shame so they try to keep their illness a secret. They suffer in silence. Sometimes such an approach is promoted by others.

When I was 18 years old and had a severe bout of depression, a family member told me that I should avoid allowing other family and friends to know of my condition. When visitors came to our home, I was told to leave the living room so the guests would not be suspicious of why I was home from college for a few months. For the same reason, I was told to not attend church.

More recently since I’ve published a book about my mental health journey (and revealed to the world all my secrets!), I’ve been taken back by how many individuals have approached me and said something like, “It’s nice to have someone else I can talk to about my mental health challenges. Most people don’t understand.”

I don’t know what it will take to change perceptions and openness about mental health issues. But the biggest tragic result of the state we seem to be in is that people who suffer from mental illness do not seek help and treatment. Many stay stuck in the frustrations, pain, hopelessness, and loneliness. These really hurt!

If someone was in pain and limping from breaking a bone in his leg, most people would think it was a tragedy if he did not promptly receive proper medical attention. But this very tragedy happens to millions of those inflicted with mental illnesses.

Good treatments are available. I have experienced the tremendous benefits of psychotherapy and medication for depression and anxiety. These things have been miracles in my life.

Perhaps if each one of us responds favorably and proactively with love and understanding when we learn that a friend or neighbor is suffering from a bout with mental illness, we will help facilitate a change in how mental illness is viewed.

We probably don’t want things to come to a point where public health nurses are bursting into homes to ensure that treatments such as antidepressant medication are being properly taken. But we do need more understanding and support of family and friends.

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The Giver: Moving Beyond a World without Emotion and Color

Bouldering our Problems--Facing Things Head-on

Lifting Depressed Organizations

So, Why Don't People Just Get Help?

Getting Help for Mental Illness Like We Do for Physical Diseases

See Owen's newer blog posts at Esperanza Magazine's website!

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