Do you ever get so totally caught-up in reading about a topic at various sites on the Internet that you have trouble completely reading the article you were reading in the first place that launched you into your tangent?  That happened to me this morning. 

I was going through my personal morning devotional routine to prepare for the day.  I was reading an article by a religious leader about self-awareness.  He said “Being able to see ourselves clearly is essential to our spiritual growth and well-being.”[i]  I found his words uplifting and inspiring—and it led to some healthy self-reflection.  It was the footnote references that really got me going, however.

I learned a new big word: Anosognosia.  It’s a medical term that Webster’s Dictionary defines as “An inability or refusal to recognize a defect or disorder that is clinically evident.”[ii]  It’s applied to people with brain damage from strokes that don’t recognize that part of their body is paralyzed.  I once saw this condition in a relative.  When she drew a picture of herself, she included only the right side of her body.  Where the left side should be was left blank.  The word is also applied to those with schizophrenia and bipolar disorders who don’t recognize their condition. More than 50 percent of those who suffer from schizophrenia are unaware of it.   I once had a neighbor with schizophrenia who was unaware.  She would say nonsense things to me.  This embarrassed her other family members until they recognized that I understood what was going on and I was sympathetic to their situation.  Since I’ve observed anosognosia multiple times I think I understand what it means—though I can’t pronounce the word!

Here’s another new thing I learned: the Dunning-Kruger effect.  It’s “A cognitive bias manifesting in unskilled individuals suffering from illusory superiority, mistakenly rating their own ability much higher than is accurate.”[iii]  Studies show that college students often significantly overrate themselves in their abilities in logical reasoning, grammar, and humor.  Test scores put some in the 12th percentile, but they rated themselves to be in the 62nd.

I think this topic of self-awareness is very interesting to me because it has had such a big part of my recovery from chronic clinical depression and generalized anxiety.  For years I had anosognosia combined with the Dunning-Kruger effect about my condition.  Until I was able to see my condition more clearly, I was unable to address my problems to get to recovery.

A good friend of mine who, like me, has undergone years of counseling defines psychotherapy as “Getting to know one’s self.”  I agree with this definition.  Therapy helped me get confidence to look at myself and get comfortable with who I am.  My therapists helped me overcome the negative self-talk recordings that constantly ran through my brain that I was a nothing—that I was worthless.  I’ve grown to like and feel comfortable about who I am.  My book entitled “Rising Above Fog” describes this journey.  The “fog” is a lack of self-awareness.

I teach classes and lead support groups for the National Alliance on Mental Illness.  In my community, there are two weekly classes taught: one for those living with mental illness and one for their family members.  There are always many more individuals who attend the classes for family members than those who have mental illness.  I believe part of the reason for this disparity is that often family members more readily recognize the symptoms of mental illness than do those afflicted.

So this morning’s journey into tangential topics on the article I set out to read was poignant and enlightening—and gratefully I’m aware that I took a detour—at least this time.

 
[i] Uchtdorf, Dieter F., Lord, Is It I?; https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2014/10/lord-is-it-i?lang=eng
[ii] http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/anosognosia
[iii] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dunning%E2%80%93Kruger_effect

 

The world was without any deep emotion and bland without color.  Earlier this week, Becky and I along with my sister and brother-in-law watched the movie The Giver at a local theater.   We went at Becky’s urging as she enjoyed the book of the same name by Lois Lowry.

The plot is about a community that is controlled by “the elders” who seek a utopian society by eliminating all pain and strife through making everyone live and function the same.  The movie is in black and white.  The elders select an eleven-year-old Jonas, the main character, to be the one “receiver of memory.”   His role is to receive vicariously recollections of the pre-utopian experiences as passed down from the character of “the giver.”  The elders perpetuated the role so they have the benefit of this wisdom to make their collective decisions.  When Jonas is vicariously allowed to experience true happiness and love, the movie screen explodes into color, kind of like what Dorothy’s experience in The Wizard of Oz.  Jonas then yearns that he and his family and friends escape the controlled “utopian” environment so they can experience this higher level of living—even if it means occasionally feeling pain, too.

The movie was extremely moving to me.  It portrayed something similar to my before-and-after of being treated for chronic depression, generalized anxiety, and low self-esteem.  My life before was like being on a constant treadmill—just trying to keep up with everyone’s expectations and completing all of life’s many tasks.  There was little joy in it all.  In my early years, I was taught to suppress my feelings.  This along with a series of painful experiences led me to bury deep inside most of what I felt.  It was “emotional constipation” as one of my cousins describes it.  Further, I was always trying to prove to everyone—and myself—that I was worthwhile through trying to be constantly productive.  But through psychotherapy, I learned to get in touch with myself, to feel, and to enjoy life.

In my book, Rising Above Fog, I liken this before-and-after experience to hiking up a mountain out of the fog of a winter temperature inversion in the Salt Lake Valley.   The Giver movie portrayal may be even better.

Last week I was speaking with a friend about what each of us would consider the best times of his life.  He had just taken his son to college in another state and he reminisced about how great his own college years were.  I told him that my life has become so much richer and more fulfilling since I got help that I’d probably never consider times before as highlights.

A few months ago, one of my sisters shared with me a newspaper article reporting on a speech on mental health at Brigham Young University[i].  Rebecca H. Jackson stated that those suffering from depression and other forms of mental illness often feel disconnect from God and His love.  While I’ve always had the practice of praying and have felt connected to God, I struggled to feel His love until after getting help.  Now I often “feast upon his love[ii],” as one of my favorite scriptures suggests.

This higher way of living and feeling is very delicious to me.  Having lived a large part of my life without it, I often ponder on the contrast the two.  And like Jonas, I seek to help others who are stuck in a less attractive place because of mental illness.  As I was for years, they may be unaware of their situation.  My mantra is to help others live more satisfying and fruitful lives by getting help for mental health challenges.

I join Jonas, the fictional character in the movie The Giver, in exclaiming that moving beyond a world without emotion and color is truly exhilarating!



[i] Deseret News, May 3, 2014, B1


[ii] Jacob 3:2